All burden, no blessing.

The dogs and I were standing at an intersection today when a man on a bicycle rode by. Predictably, Jubilee lunged at him with teeth bared and body in attack mode, barking the whole time. The man swerved out of the way in fear and into the street. There were no cars going by at that moment, but she could have easily caused him to get hit by a car.

The leash was already taut when I pulled back as Jubilee lunged for a second attack. As she turned mid-air, her whole body switched focus and she attacked me, sinking her teeth into my forearm as I tried to pull her away from the street. I tried to shake her off, but she clamped on and bit harder. While most people would have yelled at her or hit her, I just yanked her back into heel position and continued walking. Having tried every method of punishment available, I know that absolutely nothing works on her.

Before I go on, I must preface this entire entry by asking that you NOT refer to Cesar Millan in the comment section of this blog. The last time a person tried to use his methods on Jubilee, she bit the trainer, somehow pulled our of her collar, and ran into a busy street in the middle of Golden Gate Park. I am sick and tired of people thinking that his methods will work on every dog, because they don't. I have tried. I have tried so many behavioral programs that I can't bear to hear more non-professional advice. All I ask is for a nonjudgmental place to air my grievances...and that's what this blog is for.

I have always been the type of animal lover that normal people loathe. I judge people who give up on dogs because they're "difficult," and I strongly believe that pets are family members. I brought home every stray animal I found as a kid, and would never date a man who didn't want a dog. The best animal I've ever owned was my Rottweiler named Precious, who was a gift to me from my dad before he passed away. I am a huge advocate of pet adoption and especially adopting bully breeds.

We adopted Jubilee from the Oakland SPCA in July of 2007. We spent an hour at the shelter getting to know her and asking questions of the staff. She had been left in an overnight box for unwanted pets at the Hayward SPCA, and had no identifying tags or collar. She had no health issues, was house broken, and showed no behavioral issues - according to the staff. While Brian and I ran around the play area with her, she raced in circles and chased after balls. Her name seemed appropriate - Jubilee the jubilant. We adopted her that day.

As we walked her to the truck, she bounced around happily and wagged her tail. I opened the door and she tried to jump in but was too little. I went to pick her up, and she bit me immediately. Tragic foreshadowing at its finest. Brian wanted to go in and ask the staff if she had bitten before, but I assured him that she was probably just nervous and wasn't used to being handled. Whether the staff was lying about her behavioral issues or not, we inherited a dog with a multitude of problems.

She attacks children, bicycles, roller skates, men, women, pretty much anything that shows up in her line of sight. My hands and arms are covered in angry deep scars from all the times she has attacked me or snapped at me. Every time we leave the house, she whips herself into a frenzy so severe that she often cuts her nose open from biting at her crate bars. If we leave her out of the crate, she immediately jumps on the couches and pees all over them out of spite. She has ruined every single piece of upholstered furniture we own.

Jubilee has been through both behavioral and obedience training. She is frighteningly intelligent and is capable of all the usual tricks and commands, plus some. Since she's a Sheltie, we expected that she would be smart and she absolutely is. She gets plenty exercise (I walk her on a two-mile loop every day, rain or shine) and eats only pure organic food. We have given her the perfect environment to flourish in, and she has given us nothing but pain and anger.

For the past 2.5 years, I have had the ability to do everything the "right" way for her. I telecommuted from home so she never spent more than a handful of hours in her crate when I had to go into the newsroom for work. We had a predictable routine while I worked, so she was always on a schedule and never had any distressing breaks in routine. When I was laid off in February 2009, I became a full time pet parent and she was given even more attention and time. When Brian and I go out on date nights, we always make sure to never be gone more than 8 hours because we feel incredibly guilty about leaving her in her crate any longer.

What this translates to is a LOT of resentment on my part. No matter how much effort I give her, the only thing I get in return is negativity. She refuses to play with us, sits by herself in the living room all day, and rarely gives any type of affection. Even though she's housebroken, she will purposely pee inside the house when she's upset. I have spent the past two years of my life hating this dog with every fiber of my being.

The ONLY reason she is still in our home is because of the backlash we know we'd receive from giving her back to the shelter. There is a huge social stigma attached to "giving up" on a dog, and we are very aware of our ethical responsibilities to this pet. We have suffered through her attacks and spent over $4,000 on vet bills for her health issues, all because we are afraid of people judging us for giving up on her. The sad part is that I would feel absolutely no internal remorse if we sent her back to the shelter.

I hate that she has killed my joy for pet ownership. I recently told my best friend that literally 80% of my daily stress level comes from Jubilee, and that was true even when I was balancing a full-time job with a full graduate level course load. This dog is pure evil and I want nothing to do with her anymore, but I am obligated to keep her until she passes away. We haven't even gone into the planning we'll have to do when we have kids in a couple years. Jubilee will likely have to live in a separate part of the house from them because she'll attack them at first sight.

We have tried everything within our financial means to fix her behavior problems. We have consulted specialists, taken her through several obedience and training classes, and even went as far as getting a bark collar - which did nothing. No jolt of pain is strong enough to derail her rage when she's in attack mode. We have done research on programs where owners send their dogs off to special behavioral programs for a few weeks, but all of them are completely out of the question for our already slim budget. Until I find well-paying job to help contribute to our finances, we'll have to keep suffering through her psychotic episodes.

At least I've got Bruno, my little piece of sunshine.